Written on July 20th:


Today is my Birthday. It has been a good day so far. Just sitting in bed with my cat Jasper and going to the horse races in the afternoon to bet and see the horses and people watching. 


I'm also working on my paintings to finish up the final details before I have them in my frames for the comic con art show. I have till Tuesday night to finish preparing the last parts of painting the frames my dad built for me and detailing the last parts of the water color painting artwork to show in the upstairs comic con art show.


I was a shitty mood last week about turning 35 like I'm a nobody who has nothing exemplary with my life and does not have tons of bragging rights to share about women who will follow me to the ends of the earth and devote their lives and bodies just to me, and blah, blah,blah usual single white straight male guy crap of I'm a nothing, a nobody if women don't desire me and chase after me to attain me.  I'm the same guy from the last few years just now much older. Being 35 or an "adult" doesn't mean your wiser or know more about things or other people, life or the world as adults lie to kids and teenagers about adults being so smart and knowledgeable when almost none of us really truly understand others, ourselves, or our surroundings and foreign cultures, customs, and countries, no matter where you are from everyone else unusual to you will see different or alien and a bit confusing to relate to fully. Being 35 or 15 or 85 years old doesn't mean your more in tune with everything just because your body is now older in that certain age. Adults lie to kids and teens all the time with the made up rules about love, sex, marriage, families, careers, jobs, ethics, drinking, drugs use, behavior, all the supposed adult stuff you had jammed down your throat force fed to you as a teenager was all just made up crap really. Most adults never follow the don't drink and drive or alcohol is bad for you and dangerous that they will tell kids and teens warning over and over again about all the time. The adults do it all the time and they were just talking to talk out of their ass saying meaningless catch phrases they themselves will never use or follow in their own personal lives beyond preaching it to others to feel like an authority figure.  Adults don't even follow their own advice they lecture or promote as the correct behavior to kids. They act as adults exactly just like the teenagers who get expelled from high school for drinking, using drugs, or unruly behavior that breaks the rules they were told they should follow. I myself don't drink or use recreational drugs at all, but it is just such a focus of adults time and attention spent on drinking and taking drugs or mind altering medicines or drugs in our modern culture. Nobody really cares much anymore or acts like grown up adults with any standards to uphold themselves to anymore in todays world. Were all now so self centered, self absorbed and spoiled about almost everything. Everyone thinks they are the most important person alive on earth out of the group of adult peers in city they live in or will travel to. Were all stuck on the I'm so important and special button setting on our button dials that so many young adults quickly turn into old looking middle aged adult children still acting with neediness and immaturity living youth culture in an older persons aging body and suddenly now withering away once young and attractive persons good or at least better before earlier looks.


Just because I'm 35 this year today doesn't mean I know anything, have things fall right into my lap, or just handed to me or offered to me by the opposite sex for being attractive or good looking, none of that happens to average guys ever. I have some things I can still pull out and create this year with my imagination and skills in art and comedy. But I am not truly an independent adult with my own place, career, and money to spend, scheduling sex with shallow trophy wife party girl slutty gold diggers.  I'm also not having women madly in love with me flying out to sweep me off my feet. That only happens to the NBA, Rap, or Movie stars who are urban hip and cool. I don't own my own farm/ranch filled with a zoo full of horses, dogs, cats, zebras, miniature horses, and wild cats and huge car sized dogs either. I have my cat but I am still living at home for a while till I can get back on my feet as an adult and not a perceived child dependent on others for my survival. 


No matter how many books I read I never feel smart enough or accomplished enough. I'm probably going to be chasing that validation and chasing that dragon of needing to be seen as smart and wanted and needed around by others my entire life most likely. 


Old guys who want to have have lots of sex with hot young girls always tell you that time does not exist, that time is just something humankind invented and made up, and that age is just a number. To me time does exist and is something real and not just some odd easy to play by high concept made up by mankind. I would also not say that age is only just a number, but I do desire and find attractive hot young women who look fantastic and youthful, playful, fertile, ripe, full figured women and who like to act like playfully flirts with me and being fun engaging and lighthearted, it always feels super awesome to have every guys top pick in the breeding meat market pool giving me a look in her eyes that says she likes me and wants me as a man...thats cool. Women my age group I'm in now are acting often disappointed in men like me for not being super rich, well traveled, and look down at the men who don't go bang all the different drunk brainless girls every night of the week. These women can go finish their drink and stick the other foot in the grave so she can have both feet in at the same time. I don't want some old ass lady telling me that being a single or divorced mom with kids is supposed to be my fantasy, if she fucked up and had kids out of wedlock with a flake or had kids in marriage that did not work out for her, thats her tough shit, she should have made good decisions and planned out her life in a less impulsive self centered shallow way. I don't need to be chasing after an old fogey with kids, after all she never went for me, or a nice caring guy who would have stuck around through the thick and thin of a relationship and partnership when she could have when she was young and still single with no children, she brushed me off and men much like me all off a handful of years ago as not cool enough before, that being a good guy was a bad characteristic trait to have but now that nobody else truly wants her other than for just some available easy access flings of free sub standard sex they are not even 100% percent fully into but just a washed up broad kind of woman used to fill up his time for a short quick easy hit,  I suggest that she can now ask her son to try to set her up with one of his friends for all I care. 


There are no easy answers or easy results happening in todays world.