I am going to write the great American novel but as a white guy in 2014 coming from emotional problems and anxiety and depression from a dysfunctional family and struggles with trusting women and authority figures and people after a lifetime of being let down, dropped and hurt hard, and bullied by others. I don't drink any alcohol at all and I don't shoot anything into my damn veins, so the artists life as an American "Author" is not as exciting as the the novelists of the first half of the 20th century 100 to 85 years ago.  Johnny Depp or Russell Crow would not want to play me in a movie of my life, because the character would never get loaded and laid and female audiences would not get off on watching him in the lead film role. Who in their right mind would ever having her boyfriend or husband role play him as me a nice guy easy to tease or mess with or get a reaction from and her as the hot girl playing hard to get games even though she was who has led me on?  "Nobody normal or with any good tastes as far as sex fantasy goes" But as far as being an exciting drunken reckless writer creative artist type we all can't be the same, can we? When I die and the tour guides take people through my historical home and museum and say just imagine if they walls could talk, a smart alec guy on the tour would snidely remark, "yeah but what would they have to say or talk about? (gets laughs from the tour group of strangers around him) How a talking wall was stuck around a guy who doesn't get laid or tanked and the wall had peace and quiet but nothing hot and sexy or wild to watch every night for the wall to get a good show from an exhibitionist and narcissist rather than an emotional guy who is an introvert when all alone by himself at his home reading a book in bed with his cat?" (then an old lady and her husband in the group would suggest he should be leading the tour knowing so much about Brent Goodman. Give another random compliment to the Dickhead and then walk away, with the guy now staring at my portrait and crying as he looks into the torment and sadness he himself feels looking into my artwork on the walls. People go to the Van Gogh art museum shows just to cry tears and write out poems in front of famous paintings...I do not get it, or maybe they get the Van Gogh art and I truly don't if I don't start to cry through the entire museum exhibit halls and elevator to the 2nd and 3rd floors and then have a small sketch book journal filled with short poems instead of the names and numbers of cute girls in really short skirts walking around the place, I'll pay attention to a 'dynamic' hot chick dressed up like a memorable slut walking around in real time where I am living in the present moment before me hot and bothered by that girl making me feel more impatient wild and animalistic, very primal as a man than the usual self awareness where I am fine with being clothed from head to my toe as a poindexter egg head type at that very moment reflecting lost in my own world around the artwork 'static' painting made 200 to 1000 years ago)  (a very hot dumb and immature sexy girl tease in the museum to rile me up and keep me boiling temperature inside is much better than anything worth millions on the walls trying to maintain to hold my attention and animalistic urges as a modern society man behaving politely like a boy once again and not like a wolf out in the woods.)


I'm coming out of the starting gate kicking ass and taking names being the dominant thinker and intellectual who is going to finally just do it and write a damn book as was suggested to me hundreds of times by so many people throughout my life.  To me writing was never the most exciting thing around, I was into the whole writers process and my favorite fiction writers back in -1998 to 2002- I had a favorite cult fan status writer not famous but with such talent and street cred 'Bucky Sinister' he had a big influence on me as a regular guy who can be eccentric or offbeat make wonderful stories and art I could buy that were published books and not be noticed or recognized by regular people even if he was one of the very best writers alive today.  Well even if writing is not as exciting to me as hitting on hot girls or talking to and meeting bikini models I find interesting or sexy, if I can do it and get it done it does not matter if it is a means to an end as an art form or a passionate lifestyle choice to be a "writer". Just as I myself can do all kinds of convincing stories and actions as a performer with my stand up comedy which I love doing, but I do not have a pretentious love or identification of being an actor or acting. I am a better jokey liar who can stretch the truth with conviction and a serious face while looking for laughs up on stage then convinced I can "act" as an "actor" even though I lived out in Hollywood for 5 years I did not relate to the whole way people identified themselves as "actors". Yet if you need someone to play dumb and be stupider and more clueless than he actually is and convincing at it on stage or off stage in real life I am your go to guy.  Yet I can't lie to a guy interviewing me for a job position I applied to. I can't lie to a girl about my life, my age, my weight, my fears, my flaws, my failures, my past, my real life cool or glamorous events and things I got to see and encounter already before. In real life I kind of need to to be "to honest" and "to truthful" when that information is not needed or should not be given even if someone is being pushy and wants to know something about me I would prefer not to share because she will look down on me as a less than and not worthy or good and not cool enough for her hypocritical really dumb standards.  But when you think of the word conviction or intelligence an attractive young girl aged 18 to 34 does not come to mind or really anyones minds of wow that is a demographic of really smart and trustworthy dependable reliable people of strong morals minds and convictions.  Ask anyone who is not in that demographic group of hot women aged 18 to 34 if that group is what you think of first or even at all when you think of someone who has morals and good ethics, you can trust and depend on, or has brains and is highly intelligent.  Somehow girls were smart when they were younger still in high school or become more wise as a person during her late 30's? And then is pretty intelligent as a middle aged or woman senior aged before she goes senile or has dementia. 

Out of necessity I am going to write a book, not really a novel but a weird insightful story or rant with drama as only my great intellect, researching background and ADD can provide. The neccesity is this I am miserable and very downtrodden(think the old photo non fiction documentary book about the poor immigrant New Yorkers from 1800's 'how the other half lives') if I am not chasing something and on the road and journey to pursue after a goal or accomplishment I set before me. I thrive on chasing my dreams. If I wake up everyday angry at myself and bleak prospects into getting back my independence or be living on my own once again and feeling happy, calm, not so damn on edge and anxious every few minutes, I can't do it living at home under my parents roof with the fighting and their rules where I am on the wrong on everything and a put down waiting to happen thrown my way wherever and whenever.  

To get my life and adulthood back at age 35 now I have to reimagine everything and provide a new vision and new dream and hope and promise of a new venture and direction and road to travel on in life. People will let me down. Buracracy, red tape, office politics, as a nerd and eccentric well I am going to always hit a wall and get tossed aside everytime in a humorless very serious uptightness layered environment. 

The stupid part is that it took me a whole year to see the obvious answer was right in my very lap standing right before me the whole time. I guess I still believed a year ago that somehow stand up comedy would take off for me. Or, I just needed a whole year to adjust away from the teaching credential program and all it's glory. I was not happy at all this entire last 500 days.  My life is sinking faster than the Titanic or Lusitania. I still have never touched drugs, never got into crime, don't use women, do not have one bit of interest in drinking or smoking anything at all. This damn loans. No way I can pay it back. The one thing that could be a longshot but doable is to write a book. 


Out of the frying pan and into the fire!!! 

I know books. I know my audience more or less and who returns to my website more than once. I have read thousands of books. I know authors, artists to the point of being genius about my art history and book collecting collection and research. I am pretty much one of the smartest people I know and yet I still beat myself up for being pathetic and stupid, I am infiriated at myself at how I can not read peoples body language and non verbal signals and clues really worth a damn. I hate myself for the fact that women do not throw themselves at me and chase after me like I am the most amazing looking man who captivated them like nothing else in the entire world ever has stirred such desires in her loins and lust for many years. I know that goal is almost impossible, but I expect higher than what my life is like with wall to wall rejections all over the place where I get treated like a freak and misfit monster by the same hot chicks kind of flirting with me that day before or week before. (or I run away and do nothing with the ones who do like me did let me know they wanted me around, and like me back it has been my often shy cowardly form or self protection from adventure or possible danger) I can't tell when a girl is lying to my face. Deceptive people can easily go above my bull shit radar and I can't pick up on a hot chick lying to my freaking face. The women are not lined up around the block everywhere I go madly in love with me. Being a serial monogomist of always jumping from new relationship and never being single for more than a few days is not a possible option for me unless I become some rich famous celebrity and a cad scoundrel bad boy type of a combination. What I have to work with is my brains, my natural gift at drawing and clay sculpture. My overactive imagination. my looks are alright, not amazing but not throw up awful ugly either. I want to use my brains for more than being enraged and burned and dissapointed at people and myself and things in life. I have a long way to go before I can truly be the smartest man in the room. I am not even half way there to be totally honest. I would have to learn politics and the meager human mind and masses. Genius at politics always know how to rile up dummies to get what they want and use the witch hunt trail mentality of a nation for there own personal game and gain.  I have much to learn and grow. I may not ever be a real contender as the genius operator and political brains behind new developments of society and culture. I sure can't hang with close minded thick headed authority figures on a power trip or hypocritical rules and punishments. Actually if you can learn how to train society with the media or propogada or the frenzy and fads and notions groups of people get into then you kind of have a chance to the key to the city. Greasing palms, having sticky fingers in the pot...That is not the same thing as what I am after. I want to be the next operator who as a script writer creates the plot line and story the nation of people follow because they are stupider than me. Look at the best evil genius types and ruthless controlling dictators. Who do they chase out, kill off, jail, or get rid of first? Any possible opposition of their beliefs and actions, people with charm, morals, insightful and perceptive, conclusive thought out beliefs, or higher intelligence. Usually these are authors, artists, playwrites, professors, poets, painters, filmmakers, educated and enlightened people on a self aware and conscious plain of thinking and creativity and expression of themselves of contemporay things, occurances, people. Fear I guess is the obvious way to get things done. I prefer the approach that the smarter craftier people do of using the dummies themselves to unknowling be their willing fools all the time in politics. I myself was fooled by George W Bush about the Iraq War and mislead, trusting all the lies that administration sold me and the rest of the United States. But I am not angry at them about it. If they were good enough at manipulation to win and defeat my weaker intelligence then to the victor goes the spoils and the country they flushed down the toilet for a generation and many more years to come where we will still have the George W Bush presidency era lingering on as negative cause and effect in our current lives like radiation poisoning in the air and land, it does not just go away after a few month or few years when you have a huge disaster happen that destroyed so much of our lives and well being we just took all for granted would be around tomorrow, like the environment on earth, the work economy, strength of our money and value what we can afford compared to what we can earn, and wars that don't seem to have an end in sight at all, no matter how much money and time and people you sink into it. (note, I am not a pacifist, not a chicken hawk arm chair general either, I do not believe world peace on earth is a realistic dream to have on the entire earth all at once with zero wars and no battles or any conflicts at all on every single continent and island, some mad scientist can and will eventually one day go clone a hybrid pig with falcon or eagle type wings who can fly, but worldwide world peace is just to fantasyland to ever actually exist or waste your time idealizing about as a dream you want to see happen. How often does any group all agree about something the exact same way all at once in anyplace?)You can't be mad at Nixon administration era trained staff members who ran the George W Bush administration for doing not only what they love to do but what they do best. Don't hate them as sociopaths and anti social disorder thugs, respect them being one up on the rest of us acting like inferior minded numb thinkers. I do not agree with many manipulators politics but you must hand it them for getting it done and doing propoganda so effortlessly and so well. If I am not as bright and sharp as them then it is my fault and I need to take the responsibility for being stupider than them. The team to beat is often the bad guys evil genius, and the good guys of genius who bring hope and art and ideas and gifts /love nourishment into the world to share are still the team to beat, just they are not a threat or adversary to be weary of their dangerous intelligence and sharp accuracy minds.  

(honestly the angry tone of this whole paragraph was written after a knockout young girl I have a huge crush on at the gym brushed me off to not engage or talk to her. I knew her for the last 7 months! Spoke to her and well was social many times, not really a huge flirty guy with her, but more formal excited to talk to her and tell her stories about myself and my life. Gee I wonder why she would rather work out than talk to me? Ha Ha. I know, I know. ) 

I do not want to be the next Karl Rove myself.....but unless the deceptive manipluators of the politics and press and propaganda are doing a witchhunt to use you as the enemy of the common good or saying you are destroying our very fabric of society.....you are just another person, another regular nobody shopping at the Trader Joes. Michael Moore, Bill Moyers, and Bill Maher I do not agree with every single thing they say or think about as their opinions or beliefs but they are always used by the supposed right wing conservatives talking heads on radio and the TV news channels as the scapegoat bad guy distractions from the real issues and real problems of our day and tomorrows future we face or have happening in our lives and our entire world. 

I would like to be a good natured healthy genius like Saul Bass, Corita Kent, Marc Davis, Jim Henson, Marcel Duchamp, MC Escher, Daniel Greene, David Cronenburg, Jim Lee, Sinclair Lewis, John Steinbeck,  Ed Wynn, Neil Hamburger, Steve Martin, 

My book will be non fiction written personal reflection essays and creative writing dramatic fiction stories. I just want to complete 50 pages before the new year Jan 1st 2015. If I can somehow write 2 or 3 books as I try to get the now unwritten books published....Maybe if they do get picked up and read by people, then I can pay off my debt. It is weird to be creative out of survival nessesity, rather than of my passions and expression art just for arts sake.  I still want to once again have my own life, my own independence, my own identity, and choices. I still want more pets, money to take horseback riding lessons, and money to take a hot girl out on a date. None of that will happen without my determination to persevere and win. I will not find true love without the money attention and glamor to keep her around. I Brent Goodman can not be truly loved or respected by a female peer in a romantic or sexual way. I need the funds and fame to buy off a trophy wife who sells her company and time off to the highest bid like a piece of property literally not figuratively "a stupid timeshare property rental you own for a short period of time" till someone else moves in after you have to leave because your time is now up to go somewhere else. It is what it is. Even if I call myself stupid I know I am really not. Protector provider my ass, it is all about selfishness in todays world, true love is just a stupid pipe dream you find in the TV and movies meant for kids aimed at children who have not lived life experiences enough and spent enough time here on this earth to know better from what to expect and experience and what to think is real when it is fantasy imagination make believe.  Brains and ethics and good nature and mindfulness mean nothing, money talks, power talks. Nice guys finish last, so why be a complete nice guy who ends up homeless and dead or crazy out on the street? Use your brains, have a dumb girl attach herself to you for your money or fame. Or I can end up all alone, homeless, or miserable and ill at ease at my parents house the rest of my pathetic life. The man upstairs has all the answers to my prayers. I just hope my beautiful mind can pull it off without quiting on me and getting the stress headaches or anxiety problems.  We will see. We will see. The whole idea of an ethical nice guy after being the fool for my whole life is the stupidiest thing I ever did of going in the wrong direction believing in others, good of humanity, and mankind. None of it is real. Humans are beautiful but very flawed and far from perfect.  I hope I can write a book I would want to look at and read if I found it on one of the old used book thrift store shelves to pick up and look at and possibly buy to go home and read the book.  

No books typed, no books published then: no wife, no kids, no living independently ever. No paying off my huge debts I owe but can't pay back.  I hope I show up and bring my beautiful mind to write this new book and story and stick with my artistic talent to draw the book illustrations and artwork pictures inside!  

If I became rich and famous a little under half of all those hot girls who rejected me and gave me hell, ignored me, forgot I existed, or tried to ruin me or damage me and hurt me, would be suddenly trying to get me to notice her and like her. I would jump from the freak and creep to a hunk and dream guy just by being a success. Whatever success means, it must mean something to others, different than it means to yourself and the person you always were the whole entire time before you hit big. I guess I can't count or plan on success or counting my chickens before they are hatched. But I know enough of my available options and road blocks to know try to not to keep getting turned down and rejected by hot women and people so often....You need to be famous or sought after to be noticed, repsected, liked, and given much more opportunities with people and chances to make it in the world. Everyone has a price. Everyone can be bought off at some point. Very few people can still have their beliefs and convictions even no matter how great the sum of their dreams they are offered. Hot women have a price, they are a comidity as bikini models for hire. Property does not come cheap with the high real estate values these days out of most peoples available spending and their earning budgets.  You can't buy yourself love or happiness. But you can buy a roof over your head and try your best to be happy and find those who make you feel pleased, comfortable and happy in life. Being who I am, was and will be got me nowhere. I want to change that thing up a bit to be less clueless about how people, hot women, and the real world actually works. 

Getting Karl Rove or Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity all over you going after you publicly is the equivalent of in high school the sexiest hot cheerleader girl every guy has a huge crush on asking you and selecting you and you alone as the stand out from the large group selection of available suitors to prom or the winter formal as her date for the evening and treating you like her big crush and like a king, she is just enamored with paying all kinds of attention to you. Not watching from the sidelines the days and years just stolling crawling on by slowly as nothing happens and no one notices you or remembers you at all years later after knowing you or being in the same class or group setting as you. Being forgettable is the worst feeling around, like you just don't matter or count much to anyone and no one found you important enough to recognize having met you or known you already before.