*I wrote this all out in the week between Christmas Eve 2013 and New Years Day 2014. I was reflecting on how people who turn me down or reject me either as a person or romantic interest they are not interested in will be on my websites all the time???? I am also mad at myself for being a cog in the gear of the bikini glamour pin up modeling industry machine. I along with all the other guys who are fans of these girls so desperate to get noticed and fit in and willing to do really insane things in hopes to be famous or admired by famous men....Basically every time a guy who likes hot looking babes tells her she is so incredible and amazing both to look at and as a person, unless she is normal, smart, street smart wise, and not an extremely damaged person on the inside....most these models now are poisoning their bodies to get bigger curves and proportions or they go the other end and think starving themselves of food and nutrients they need to survive will make people like her more and then she can like herself finally after other people have noticed her around. I feel like I am helping mentally unstable young women push their health to far over the edge because they crave all the attention fans like myself will constantly feed them. The bikini pin up modeling scene is now very oversaturated flooded all at once with to many models the same age, same lifestyle, or same look, and to stand out as the model who retains the most fans and stardom girls are hurting their health and out of control now with the various dangerous surgeries they get to be the most popular model online....I have no control over these supermodels, they do not listen to me or any other guys advice. But the attention they validate themselves with through their fans online who they tease constantly but never get non internet real life proximity with like they do around the sports stars and music industry famous men they all want to hook up with in real life have left these insecure women drug junkies for fame and validation 24/7. 1 single guy who as a fan finds her very sexy and pretty is not the problem, it is 10,000 to 1,000,000 male fans creating a monster with no limits or limitations to control herself. Each fan helps turn an already unstable woman's life more and more completely out of control with zero inhibitions by telling her everything she is doing is great and amazing so she might like us back maybe, even though we have created a beast now set on the road to self destruction. That healthy sexy girl is going to be a hot mess after years of having no boundaries and no one to tell her no on anything she is doing no matter how harmful it is to herself or those around her. I don't like going from the models day dreaming fan into watching someone I have a crush on go off the edge. The guys are not intentionally encouraging these supermodel girls to push their bodies past the breaking point, but by not telling someone the truth, you might keep yourself from her rejecting you as a "jerk", but set her up to hurt own herself by hiding the truth and reality from her in order to kiss up to her and hopefully be maybe liked back by your new dream girls. The girls need to control themselves and their impulsive life decisions they make each day, like having unneeded plastic surgeries operations performed to become somehow sexier to men, and the guys need to tell the girls the truth rather than lie and tell her that this complete fantasy world bubble that is about to burst really does in fact actually exist.
On Valentines day and on certain holidays the numbers of people searching me and viewing my websites shoots up. I would just assume it might be girls I met before who still have a secret crush and fascination about me doing their yearly duties of spying and day dreaming about me from afar. If someone "hates or dislikes me" they do not go to my websites on holidays to soak me all in for their amusement and pleasure. . It is not hard or rocket science to figure out which girls who played hard to get and brushed me off are still my #1 number one most loyal online fans and followers. I get it, it's a game. Tag your it, now go away I'm ignoring you.....Life goes on...I get older, but you still are into me, but don't want me? Who can stop you? not me! Have a good holiday and happy new years! I can't say that I'll see you soon...but you'll be back to do more fixating about me many many more times. So see you then, in top secret online internet secrecy style! Somehow this scapegoat of the big bad wolf you fear which in fact is really your secret crush you are just to shamed of having, feel guilty about, and to embarrassed to admit about to yourself or anyone else in real life is from a great distance as an anonymous online crush. I don't know....I guess in life strangeness happens. And it happens a lot to me. More online hide and go seek is how some young women who are models or look like a gorgeous pin up supermodel can sometimes behave. Not quite as funny as my comedy but still very silly! In fact it is like clockwork time schedules of when some bikini supermodels arrive on my websites and web pages each year...Like I am a yearly or seasonal ritual they feel they need to participate in, meditate on, or worship of me. OK....Whatever...Strange....Quirky unusual guys attract quirky unusual girls? So weird behavior is something you might maybe expect to get from weird people? Do your thing....Steady as she goes captain, no trouble on the bridge Admiral. It is not my big ego, or delusions of grandeur, it is a very common trait and behavior pattern some good looking women who are every day sought after by lots of various men and admirers have, that I have come across and experienced various times already before. They spend more time in a bikini at the beach or laying lounging on a motor bike or old classic hot rod car or in the swimming pool in a modeling photo shoot than on me and my websites, but they still are lingering around my online profiles and sites, not paid of course, no copy, no credit, no meal, no tear sheet, no trades, no jpegs, no resume work included in this...just good old fashioned window shopping without making any store sales purchases to contact me by saying hello and getting to know me. Using my natural gift and ability to do deductive logic I put together various forms of certain peoples behaviors and thinking patterns I can recognize and figure out. None of it is science or actual fact based, it is educated guesses and assumptions with minimal clues that seem to continually add up to a result educated guess that is often not that off target at all. My hunches many not be exact or even correct every single time, but often they are correct. I know it. She knows it. We are both on either side of the field aware of the competitive match 'Game' involved and it's weird process it's supposed to be played out as or something? 'Games' like cat and mouse, chase and catch me if you can. But I stopped playing on my end, to much risk and not enough reward principle. Know when to pick your battles, choose which battles to fight....I chose to not be seen as the big horrible bad guy, or the scapegoat. That brings shame and no self worth on me to be seen as a bad guy bothering another person. I stop playing the 'Games' and the girls still are on my websites many more times. Damned of I do and damned if I don't because she knew I really liked her and had a huge crush on her. Unhealthy behaviors is not funny, it throws people like me off, sure, but I get older and my views go up from certain women on my sites. I might feel a bit out of place this way, but at least I can say I did not act like a jerk anymore for a really long time now and stopped my part of being the fall guy bad guy opponent in the game, which is more humiliating and shameful than romantic or good for me. If I choose to have some self respect for myself, that is the right choice, I hope, at least the one I'm choosing to go with and stay with. If you still are up into me from afar online, then that's your thing, not mine. You can end the 'Games' and be a real life grown up person and accept all of me for who I am embarrassing or not if I might be a bit nerdy, to much of a day dreamer with strong rich imagination, or a dork compared to cooler flashier people you want to be associated with, and whats so scary to get to know me and not this Avatar extension online website portfolio BS? I am all what you see is what you get salesman. You got the picture already. Why am I still a guilty pleasure you have that you hide from everyone and view only in secret?
Obviously I am self aware of feeling like I am alone in life. Obviously I put myself out there to the world and unveil all my quirks, demons, and creative imagination and insights for anyone and everyone to see online. I am not like some shallow dim light bulb brained chick who takes selfies of her taking a shower or bath and then blasts men for going to her instagram or twitter web profile page she posts free pin up photos to, I know some people may or may not see my web pages and web page profile accounts. Not everyone cares that I am unique or interesting. Some people follow me more than others do. By now I have a good idea of who my audience is after years of researching who wants to see what I talk about or show online. I never expected in real life that sexy girls who get hit on and asked out every single day of their lives would be a bigger follower and fan than comic book nerds, artists, eccentrics, educated adults with college degrees, or hot and bothered men sitting at home search engine typing for hot girls like I share insights or stories about online on my sites. All the above do go to my websites....But hot supermodel chicks are my unassuming number 1 fans, and the shy reserved british men who have a fear of meeting others or social anxiety of rejection or public speaking are 2nd in line of most common and loyal followers. British shy introverted men who fear rejection or social situation discomfortable shame and rejection instead of someones approval love me and my website. Hopefully I helped that shy british guy(s) meet new people or aggressively exert themselves in a social situation they were apprehensive to face before reading my blogs and stories of complete social fearlessness I have while still being socially awkward at times. They basically learned...you need to put yourself out there and socialize all the time with strangers, or almost anyone....and that you will get rejected....no way around it...it is par for the course....that not everyone you meet and come across will accept you or like you. How did I help my number 1 fan followers of former dream girls I have a huge tremendous crush on who have rejected me already before and cut me off? I am not sure how I have been of any interest or of help to these sexy women?! Do they want to study and read up on the nerdy type guys they have shit all over and rejected as unworthy of her cherished valuable time for years now? Maybe they want to use me as a kind of dysfunctional emotional guy freak show to peer in and be spooked by somehow as a cheap thrill of amusement? Do they feel guilty they are such a complete asshole to so many people like myself who liked her and all she did was treat me like garbage, so the only way they can admit they are a real creep and nasty jerk is to read some guy going off and ranting his heart out about being hurt and not fitting in easily anywhere he goes in life? Do they read or watch my videos to see what it might be like to have all the artistic talent in the world and the social skills to engage and approach almost anyone anywhere in any new situation I go in life in conversation and getting to meet someone different or new but still failing socially many times with various rejections....rejections they themselves as pretty girls do not encounter or face from men because guys pay attention and kiss up to women they want to have sex with somehow if they feel they have a shot with her. The girls who no one rejects and no one turns down or ever says no to, maybe that is my main audience...That seems to make some sense at least now if I think about it. Because they do not get rejected or turned away by others and do not have to work very hard at anything they do and will always have praise and positive attention handed to them without ever having to work for it or prove themselves worthy of the attention guys give an attractive woman. They might see or read about how hard I work, how much effort I put into things, and they decide to live vicariously through me for that. The spoiled bratty sexy girl who is always bored and not amused by all the attention she always gets only because she is pretty and men are hungry for possible sex with her likes the guy who works his ass off and still gets rejected by others all the time..???? The weirdest part of this whole ritual and dance of her cyber snooping me is SHE IS SOMEONE WHO REJECTED ME....Why read or watch all the time an artist comedian talk about rejection and not fitting in if you not only turned me down but emotionally devastated me by lying to my face in person or shaming me by treating me like a misfit freak that doesn't deserve to be able to say hello to someone as self important as her? No matter how many non fiction psychology books I read, people are unpredictable, hypocritical, dishonest, and to strange to fully figure out 100%....Women who are young, sexy and attractive still are so fickle you have zero idea of any consistency, pattern of behavior or their thinking abilities, it's like I guess trying to deal with a schizophrenic person not taking her meds and trying to have a healthy rational conversation or relationship with a person chemically imbalanced.....But the crazy part is these supermodels are not diagnosed as schizoprenics or pyschopaths....yet they act like they escaped from the walls of the asylum and somehow ended up at the nightclubs looking glamorous with all the different famous sports stars and famous rap or rock stars they hook up with as his cheap toys to play with and toss away when he is bored or she easily breaks because she is very fragile and cheaply made and not meant to last very long as a toy.
Just ask me about my cat or what books I read that I liked this month, or things in stand up comedy or art history I'm super excited about!!! That is an easy opener for me. Or do some sharing about yourself and your life for me to know about?
I love movies, talented people, and animals, so if you are uncertain or sure what to say to me...tell me about them.
As for the social friends who know me or of me and like me and my art as creative types like myself, thanks for stopping by again. Glad you came back once again, hope you and your unique art endeavours have been engaging and interesting trials and errors for you to keep growing as an artist and inspired creative person! so except for this last paragraph the above rant stand down confrontation has nothing at all to do with you and your support and kindness to me that I have appreciated very much. All the above relates solely to the girls who were teases or bad news for me who knew I liked them and still went about doing a non sensical combination of outright obvious rejection of me ignoring or avoiding me that really hurt badly while simultaneously hovering over me online on my social networking profiles and various websites the way an average everyday person observes a big movie star they are not used to seeing when they finally observe one out in public. Former friends who dropped me as their friend or lost contact with me a while now are all neutral territory. Because they were just friends, even if we were very close friends intimacy was always a buddy thing. A woman I was head over heels just totally smitten and crazy about affects me in a way that nothing else can move me. People I had various fall outs with, and butted heads with maybe got me torn up...But it was totally different than someone I endeared as a kind of love romantic affection towards could possibly affect or phase me at that kind of level. Former friends even if their rejection really saddened me, it is not something that could ever even come close to emotionally moving me one way or another compared to the women I have fallen super madly in love with from afar...I saw her/you yourself/your friend/daughter/sister around and what I wanted in a relationship with her never came true, most often it blew up completely in my face with me feeling very ashamed and humiliated and burned. I have no desire to sweep off their feet or romance and get intimate with any friends, former friends, lost friends, or former enemies/misunderstood relationships with power struggles.......The way the women I dreamed about captured me and my attention. The two things of regular people good and bad encounters do not mix with the women I just adored and desired 100%. Plenty of people have changed my life in various ways over the years as both a supportive positive person I cherished looked forward to being with and around as great company, people as a neutral acquaintance or social friendship, or people I struggled with or did not do well with or seem to get along with or feel very safe or comfortable around much at all. No one I wanted more than the girl of my dreams. I set my sights often I am told to high, to attain a woman so beautiful as her/you that as a naive or childlike guy with a sense of wonder still intact and fully activated to discharge and deligate in creative ways at a moments notice....That she was unnatainable and impossible odds to get as person in my day to day romantic life or otherwise real life day to day encounters. I went for what I liked and what my mind, my body, and my soul told me I liked and notified me right away as to her/your presence. Kind of like an alarm that you won a big prize like the slot machines at the Indian or Vegas Casinos when you hit a big jackpot...that kind of internal extreme excitement... Which I love and crave because it is rare and not common except when ever I can see the girl I am in love with as a huge crush I have on her about in person or in the online published photos of her. I live for that rush of feeling and sensation when I look at the girl I have a crush on and extreme attraction towards. I never know when the next or new woman I like in that way will appear till my body gets that shockwave when I see the one of a kind outstanding sexy person that stands out from all the rest as a really hot girl. I have not lived up to my dreams, my expectations, my hopes, my desires, my ambitions, my plans, my goals, and my pursuits of action. Yes I tried, I pursued her, I followed through to make myself and my interests or intentions known, but I have failed many times. Terribly in fact many times. What do I have to say or show for myself now? I gave it a shot, I bombed, I'm a fighter and a scrapper. You can't call me a quitter. I got hit and knocked out cold. I was never a bum, didn't take a dive, but also never was a champ. A hopeless romantic emotional intense guy is like having a glass jaw as a prize fighter. I have hid away and ran away from women who approved of me or liked me back sometimes before...Why if a woman was respectful, on the level with me and normal person around me my interest and attraction to her shrank away in a protective heavily guarded fashion is an embarrassment. Mature women who are trustworthy and totally truthful can be imposing to me and make me nervous and uncomfortable in a way that a slutty girl, someone vain and into her sex appeal, an air head, hot bimbo, or insecure girl who relieves solely on her good looks to do almost everything in her day to life will not make me self conscious, clammy, awkward around her hardly at all. The mature woman represents high expectations and rules and regulations I have to keep up with or fail under. The insecure or immature and childlike sexy good looking woman does not cause me that regulation or expectations of higher standards or else discomfort...She has not yet lost her childlike immature state of mind and life style. I relate to and thrive upon that persona and way of life I see in the hot dumb not very bright or grown up like a real adult who acts their age and responsible women. I don't want someone always dissapointed and dissaproving of me. Insecure and immature not very bright but extremely sexy and erotic sensual hot babes fill both a void and a spot I can easily connect to an identify with her right away. It is not a mistake of mine...I do not have a choice in the matter as a form of options of what I can convince myself to like or find attractive or not. Believe me I have tried so many times. I have a type...that type likes guys who are bad ass or tough bad boys or rich or famous dudes who will throw money and a jet set life style her way as his traveling sex mistress partner. Comic book nerds and eccentric intellectual off beat artists and deep thinkers and dreamers are not on her radar as a guy she wants to snatch up for herself before someone else gets to me first before her. People think I set myself up for this form of failure. I have not, at least not intentionally on my behalf...I have liked, desired and gone for a certain type of sexy cute girl that stood out to me since I was in kindergarten. A lot of it is a natural form of human overcompensation of choosing the best looking healthiest prettiest women to select to hope to breed with to propel the species getting rid of my flawed health concerns and natural uneasy anxieties and day to day chemical balance that is not easy to deal with day in day out...As intelligent as I am, I was self aware of this need to choose a certain type of woman as my mate since age 4 or 5. Her trustworthiness, her often questionable morals or varying degrees of her limited available intelligence she has at her immediate disposal have little to nothing to do with my internal attraction to this type of select bombshell hot babe bikini model looking woman very easy on the eyes. I want to be seen as appealing and cool to her as something she is in awe about and attracted to and amused greatly by me. Intelligent woman as smart or just as smart as me can brush me off as unimportant or unworthy of her attention and approval...If she has her own standards for herself that I can not reach the bar in as far as her intelligence, her intellect and capabilities, her career, her job, her degrees, her pay, her income, bills, resources. If I end up being just a dumb nerd not making enough money or enough out my life and zero things about me impress her...Why in hell would I go put myself through that kind of misery and torture??? I can offer what is on my plate that I already got in me and available, and then some in my loaded up munitions and fully stocked up arsenal of intellectual and enlightened and creative imaginative enthusiasm. Being dumb or smart does not make someone better than me or less than me and my respect and acknowledgement of herself. Very smart educated women are not so easily impressed by anything I have to offer. Girls who are hot but damaged and dysfunctional insecure people who put all their available skills and confidence in herself into how she turns heads and just drives men wild and crazy has an appeal I feel a connection to and that I need and want in my life on both a survival instinctual connection that is from an internal part of myself and not by my personal choices, and she is less of a threat, less of a challenge that she can drop me for being better than me. She might drop me for a hotter better looking guy or more affluent guy or cocky egocentric meat head bore at any moments notice with or without my knowledge. But as a innocent childlike adult with her sense of wonder and flirtations still fully intact she is better prepared to love to me unconditionally than a woman competing with me on who is the smartest to run things or best financial provider of the home I would be staying in...Like I'm always under the gun to be removed and fired as not good or qualified enough to keep my job of pleasing her and her high demands I would never be able to please..Besides educated smart women do not worry about how good or how sexy she looks and do not flirt with and tease and try to sexually excite all the guys she meets or who check her out the way a good looking woman does. And if she is smart, educated, well off and employed and still really hot....Let someone else take her and be constantly under the gun to be blasted and put down as not being and doing better than her or making as much money as her all the damn time...Quirky and cute and adorable sexy chicks...man they might not go for me...ever...they might be hard to get access to an actual date with that she agrees to...but she is not a threat to me in my areas of my extreme creative, imaginative, passionate, and intellectual strengths...I want to enjoy life and have a funny girl who is always an amusing turn on for me, both for her jaw dropping double take rocking curvacious healthy hard body and gorgeous pretty face and hair and eyes. hot women who are not the rude belittling mean jerks or bullies are much more pleasing and amusing to be with and around when interacting with them. Hot a-hole chicks I might find attractive but would not get far with, I would not take her insults or constant put downs spit at me. I like the nice immature not super smart perfect 10 vulnerable from a distance hot babes with an air of psychical attraction confidence that their personal mental self image does not connect with as one and the same...where she knows she is hot and get anyone she wants, when ever and whom ever she wants to have...but she still dislikes many things and many flaws about herself, that inward displeasure and inward discomfort and sadness she has is so relatable and damn sexy to me...I just eat it up!!! That vulnerability she has in her eyes and her face and emotions and that lifetime of her pain and hardships she endured is just so sexy...A low class, toughness and outershell showing the visible cracks and hurt...but the streetwise low class level mixed with the look and vibe of a high class gentleman's hooker expensive paid escort call girl, trophy wife, mistress, rich mans personal concubine, everyman's fantasy look perfect sexy looking exterior but hurt damaged interior...man that is just it! That is the very foundation for the appeal and successful career that pin up models and bikini models have to keep an retain their male fans from day one till their aging post bikini modeling career days when their looks have moved long past their youthful prime, and they now look old and no longer as fertile, young, athletic, firm, strong, and sexy as they once were when at the height of their popularity with her fans who loved her and sexually desired after her as his ideal dream girl. Surgeries, do not count as far as her looking or remaining young...It is the vulnerable insecurity that drives the men bananas and her delusional undertaking in her much published lifestyle and totally shallow and reckless sexually promiscuous adventures, that was an act of anger and rage at the world or her previous abuse or abusers of her past more than her just truly enjoying life and having fun...it is her way of creating an image she is having lots of fun, trying to convince herself it is fun and great as she tries to publicize all of it as a bragging rights expose, that is often more embarrassing and humiliating than glamorous and flattering...It is pretty much her throwing a temper tantrum by way way of using men for lots of random sex partners, drugs and alcohol to numb her brains ability to deal with her pain and actions and stupid choices she keeps making, that she doesn't feel good about, at least not long enough for any of the fun to truly last and feel right inside her.
They make their flirting, teasing and sexually exciting me and all the other men playful and fun. It's not just all strictly business of did I meet the standards and get the work done on time and at the level expect it be completed as such without the need for disciplinary actions to take place. some guys want that shit and that type of high maintenance unimpressed woman dating you like she needs to lay off fire and get rid of dismiss more people under her management supervision from their jobs as her not equal underling who can at any time be reprimanded. I want the playful, youthful, spirited girls, I don't care if they have not fully developed their minds, brains, wisdom of her life and decisions she makes still, or her not fully blossomed intellect yet the same way their bodies have very much developed fully and filled out to fertile ripe full grown adult young woman capable of having healthy strong kids who survive if she were to become pregnant. I like the approval you can get from a sexy girl who still flirts and acts with unconditional love and lust towards the men she chooses to settle for or submit herself with to not reject away but get embraced and loving by, coming from her like a title wave that blows men away they could even get a girl this unbelievably smoking scorching completely hot.
The real spooky part is all the surgeries these women who are knock outs choose to get work done on themselves! They are so insecure and ashamed of themselves, that they fuck up a good thing they had going for themselves by getting plastic surgery operations done in hopes that will make them look or feel prettier or sexier. Girls in their early 20's age 20, 21, 23, 24, getting plastic surgery done on her face, butt, or breasts? IT is so wrong, yet to her she thinks it feels so right!!! Why won't pin up bikini supermodels get finally that guys like a sexy cute damaged and emotional unbalanced flirtatious and impulsive woman who tries really hard to show herself and her life off at all costs just for an ounce of your attention? The stupid really off putting tattoo and changing her beautiful face and body for strange mattel barbie doll toy plastic surgery operations is just awful!!! These models do not believe the guys like me that love her for being a childlike impulsive, vain, slutty, hilarious hot chick who does nearly anything she can think of just for me and the guys to notice her day in and day out! We love her effort and seeing the damaged person strutting her stuff around, we like that confidence, but lay off the tattoos and all surgeries please! I know she will always get another tattoo, another surgery, another man, as soon as she gets insecure and nervous or feels awful inside about her life, herself, and about the world, thinking this quick easy solution will this time for sure be the final cure for all her problems, fears, and anxieties, but god damn how much space do you have left that is still blank on your body with non tattooed skin left now? And stop injecting things in your face and butt and breasts to make them bigger, just be yourself. I know saying just be yourself is a cliche generic term we all say just to say it, but with messed up sexy slutty hot chick supermodels, it is 100% percent true, we will still get to see the freakshow and abnormal hot girl without the permanent tattoos and surgeries to change her on the outside when who she is on the inside still hasn't changed from a new weird ass tattoo or bothersome surgery they should not have done to themselves! They fit in for not fitting in as somebody who does not love or respect herself and having boundaries with people. That is what we love about you a combination of your good looks, damaged insecurity, impulsive and outrageous immoral or slutty behaviors and flings or encounters and love affairs. The run away train of your life is still going to derail and fly right off the tracks and crash even if you repainted or rewelded and redesigned that same train car. It is the conductor of the train who is going to fast and reckless, the conductors the reason the fans boarded and took a seat on the train with her as we watch her life zip by us at dangerous unsafe speeds. Stand back folks, get back people, we have a pin up bikini supermodel about to travel through town here right now coming in at any minute at a very fast unsafe speed, and I do not want any of you to get hurt or killed and in the hospital by this run away train, it is a danger, if you stay around here and want to watch it, it is imperative you all know this is at your own risk people.
