BReNt GodDamn [Personal Goals 2015
yo, yo whats up? Whats Up? How we all doing people? Party People? Let me hear you say heeyyyy. Let me hear you scream Hoooo. Let me hear you shout, "go away"
2015 essay will start with playfulness and a joke, my miscevious side, a rascal. Or trickster if you will for my mythology legend folklore and myths people out there in internet land. They called back in the days of home vhs video recorders hello everybody in TV land for someone not sure what to do or say on camera being filmed. If someone is reading your essay personal journal blog post page thing on your website...why not start out saying "hello everyone out in internetland." To 1989 to 1992? Maybe.
2015 is the year I will have to downsize my huge book collection. I own more than a few books. I own around say realistically maybe 10,000 books now. Somewhere around that amount. And books take up space no matter how awesome they are to me. This is both a wake up call to me, and my dad keeping me in line and within my means not so much of budget reasons if I buy cheap books at a quarter to 2 dollars each one primarily only now. It is a space occupancy problem before me. I just now own to much stuff. To much of my artwork. To much old notes and paperwork. Way to many books, even if they are all very cool. The problem is I'm not very good at organization skills. I kind find cool things to buy or pick up for cheap. I am terrible about finding a good place to keep or store my things if I hang on to them. I can give away my things, trade them, sell them, ect. I am not your typical hoarder. If someone wants something I have, own or found along the way, sure it's yours if I am not emotionally or intellectually attached to it. I trade things with other book and comic or cult movie collectors all the time. The problem is I accumulate more and more along the way. Picking up a little bit here and a little bit there. The comic books boom is still happening and going strong. I know one day the bubble of collecting comics and them being valueable will burst but I estimate that won't happen until the next 5 to 7 years, being that all the superhero movies are big blockbusters and a major part of American culture now and worldwide pop culture for peoples interests and imaginations around the entire world. This make KEY issue comics important to both collectors and comic book movie fans and keeps the prices and demand up for certain issues of certain comics. Some comic books you can't give away, but that won't be an issue until the comic book collecting craze fizzles out down the road I'm estimation around 2019 to 2021 sometime in that time frame as my possible guess. That gives me a few more years to trade collect or sell more comics people care about and are excited to own.
I still have my cat. I still have my two dogs that belong not to me but to the entire family. My cat is mine and lives where I live should I possibly one day move out again. I'm realistically guessing that moving out of my parents house to live on my own two feet independently again won't happen anytime soon, till around 2017 or later. I'm not trying to scare off any hot girls reading this pondering about maybe dating me one day. I'm just being honest and truthful and shooting straight from the hip or my pelvis.
I live with my family now and it's been about 2 years since I moved back here to San Diego to the house I grew up in and with the same people, just not my sister who now is married and living on her own since 2009 and now lives with her husband. She could always get lots of guys. I do not have the same luck of a pool of women always wanting to be my girlfriend at any moment anywhere or everywhere I go. I do not have women walk right up to me and ask me out on a date. I go to the mall, the beach, library, conventions, store, schools/college classes and nothing. Nada. Nobody lined up around the block to seduce or entertain me. Besides I'm old now...I'm 35! Can you believe it! I know 1996 or 1997 was a long time ago but it still feels recent to me my young adulthood. Many hot young women I find very beautiful and sexy were born in 1996 or 1997! My youth is not around anymore. But my adulthood and all that supposed privalages of responsibilities that go with financial perks from going to college and following the straight and narrow path is all lies and hog wash crap. No one these days has a guaranteed job or roof over their head. It's not easy to find love or a partner. Let alone people finding a husband or wife they can last with without infidelity or tons of fighting and growing apart or bored of each other. Everyone wants to be the big time star of their own movie called the life of " persons name here" but no one in todays society wants to deal with the less glamorous or more boring regular, mundane or shaky parts of a friendship or romantic relationship anymore. If it is not glamorous or bad ass why do it? Just walk away or get away as fast as possible to find someone or something more amusing and entertaining till you repeat step 1 to 2 and repeat the same process again. But girls forget that not everyone of them is some hot bikini supermodel drastically dysfunctional free spirit living on the edge of the cliff looking off to the very ends of the earth about to crash and fall right over. Right after they go hit another bar or club first.
I don't ride horses anymore, I did not lose interest, I just do not have the extra money each week or month now to help pay for the lessons. I can afford the gym and my cat vet care as my monthly expenses. the rest goes to gas cost, car costs, cat pet food or supplies costs, food, dining, groceries, clothes. Ect. I wish paying for girls and dates was an issue to scramble to come up the money for that...
I still do stand up comedy. Just not as often. At least not as often up on stage in a dark bar with drunk people talking over you, louder than you up on stage with the mic, or not paying any attention at all. The comics at a comedy club in LA tend to be funnier than the lame comedy click crowd to be stuck with here in San Diego. The San Diego comedy circle of participants is not that glamorous. Most of the guys who are in the local scene here now are big time losers and plain rude to anyone not in their little click. Onward and upward. I choose to not be around them in that group. I went back to doing my stand up comedy at parties in person or in small groups in my real day to day life then rather up on stage in dark bar.
I don't think I am having a mid life crisis. I don't have a new young trophy wife or fancy sportscar. I also don't have the money for the car or the money to keep a greedy gold diggers attention for very long.
In 2014 I only had a handful of friends. I make a new friendship, then often what happens is within a year they got bored with me and I'm down a friend or at zero local friends in my area till another new friend will or won't show up out of the woodwork.
I find I like getting base hits to first base or second base then trying to only go for the grand slams and home runs hitting it out of the ball park. I would rather get an actual date to go on then a free offer from some girl for just sex but no real interest in me as a person I shared with her. Not really me. I like approval and attention to much. The rest seems trivial or pretty pointless, especially if I'm flying solo on it and not showing off for a group or guys or my peers in a group I would be with. Proving myself to impress others just isn't a part of my life now. It's hard to make or keep many friends here in north county San Diego. All the people my age are all over town and not in one area or in one area at any one time or specific place. LA has much more film and art savvy intellectuals with a passion for interacting with other like minded people and life and the greater interesting pop culture all around them in general. When I now go back to visit LA for a short 8 to 12 hour one day only trip...The whole place and city seems small. LA still has magic and excitement in the air all around you. Even in the beach cities bordering the lower south bay like out in Manhattan Beach...They have a comic books shop I like to go buy old boxes of back issues in bulk from in Manhattan Beach.
I would not say I'm much of a hustler really right now. Other than standing up for myself all the time or fighting constantly and always at odds with my parents all the time. I don't think I'm all that scrappy. I'm more passive and getting used to the people at the gym not wanting to be friends and the girls at the gym or beach not wanting to get to know me. Everybody does their own thing here. People are always on their cell phones or ipads just doing random shit or boring app video games online or listening to their music. Life here in San Diego seems to be for many people a solidarity activity without tons of interaction with others. Maybe when they get high or go out to a party or club and dress flashy or slutty or macho. But other than that here in San Diego you might be surrounded by others but still all alone at the same time. Not my choice. But if that's what the climate and culture is here now. Why fight it and get rejected over and over again by hot cute girls? Being older means understanding the outcome. And accepting it. Some girl I adore and I'm infatuated with and totally crazy in love with at the gym blocked and deleted me online on facebook this summer with my facebook friend request...But when I am at the gym doing my stretches and exercise machine alone in solidarity and not looking or interacting with her, she is often staring at me when I look up after a leg stretch on the floor mat 40 feet away from her. That is life, just get used to it. Hot young girls play games and act like a tease. She can still get me kicked out the gym and lose my membership if I ever tried to ask her out. But if I told the membership sales staff she has been staring at me and making me uncomfortable by sending me these aggressive mixed messages they would laugh it off as nothing and not take it seriously. So as an adult age 35 I just keep a lot of my shit inside me and to myself and don't expect to much from other people. The lazy dumb meat head employees are not just the only ones to blame...I think the sexy young lady I have a huge crush on has some responsibility
to not play games or become aware to be respectful to me and my boundaries or privacy if I'm expected to not flirt with her now that she blasted me away from her online. People are stupid, most of them. People play games. Many people do not truly know they are being used or using others or not smart thinkers. So just accept the world around me for what it is and who my peers are around me in my city or in my personal daily life I lead and live.
Oh and I don't have the approval or permission from my mom and dad to get another cat, dog, or a miniature horse. I also do not have the extra monthly income and costs to pay for it.
I still want to one day get married to someone I love and think is so sexy I want to shout about it from the rooftops and the mountain tops. I still want to one day adopt black or polynesian or mixed race children with attractive good looks and athletic abilities. Being strong to peers of the same gender and good looking to the opposite sex is much more important than brains or education can ever buy you. Talent or deep thinking only gets you so far. Being sexy or popular or a type A cocky macho person will have people work to impress you favorably. Niceness or an insightful intellect or talent at an art does not do much for me these days. Being realistic and not doing the same thing and expecting a different result is how I see myself living out the rest of 2015. I know I'm going to hit on girls and give her my name and number and websites to check out in hopes that she likes me and wants me to ask her out should she go about to contact me herself. But these days I know better than having the high expectations anymore. Just let the games go about there usual form and routines again and again. Some things I just can't change no matter how hard I try and put in the effort to improve my life. Other people are other people and women are in their own world with make believe silly rules and little girl games they play. I don't take most attractive women all that seriously as people. I get attracted to her or hurt at the rejection...But I don't really truly consider her my equal or a person of substance and high caliber ethics or principles and as such find it easier to flirt with a sexy or very pretty attractive girl than try to impress a more mature more demanding less excitable or impressed easily emotionally cut off adult woman. I like playing with my cat, I like taking my dog to dog beach or on a walk. I like riding the horse I used to ride even if he or she would often be testy with me as a rider. I like women who act like my pet and friend I can bond to on a more natural and instinctual way that I get and where she gets me even if I don't have the most cool or awesome thing to say to her every conversation we have or the money and income to impress an person looking for superficial things from a male suitor. I like playing, being silly, having fun, never losing my sense of wonder about me. (unless it is a street wise situation I have to be firm and tough and ready to have the fight or battle for) I like being the goofy nerdy nice guy. I don't see myself being the guy who can scare people...But some people sometimes might be afraid of me. I don't care. A lot of things today at age 35 in 2015 I just don't care about or expect to change or get better. My life is what is it, young girls who treat me like crap or a thing to mislead is often a pretty damn consistent thing. I don't expect to truly change society or peoples minds. I just like attention. I like to amuse people. I like to entertain others. I like to make people laugh. I like to be the center of attention and popular and well liked as the jester comic relief leader of that group. I like fitting in and being appreciated and seen and not overlooked, ignored, neglected, bullied or mistreated. Trying to be the man of the her dreams for that hot girl I'm in love with is not something I have been able to do. So it is what it is. Why keep trying to change it and fail the same way with a negative response but with someone new everytime? IF some hot babe doesn't think I'm smart, or funny, or impressive, or interesting person to be around...then thats her loss. She needs to decide for herself if she likes me back or not. In the mean time I truly do not care. I cared to much and to often as a very highly sensitive person my whole entire life and I'm well honestly pretty burned on everyone and all their lies and bullshit ready and waiting to sabotage upon me. I expect it now, embrace it more now as best I can and don't truly expect to much from other people or the world as much right now. I still love being around other people and interacting with others or flirting with sexy girls and all that as much as possible...That has not changed. But my ideals and high marks are not as unreachable and more down to earth and no longer high up in the heavens and clouds. Girls are going to be liars and manipulators and little to no ethics or moral consistency. That is a given I'm more used to that now. You can only change or grow yourself. You can't force anyone else to change themselves. It is best to lead by example and live your life the best you can in your present certain circumstances. "Who am I? and who will go with me?" Life is a game make it safe and fun. Find playful immature not uptight people who also love to be enjoyable or goofy and silly the same way as me. "Find women who are overcompensating, to get attention trying to pretend to be someone they are not or have that sadness in her eyes no matter how much make up she puts on her face" that is hot. The relatable more honest and understandable to get hot babe. Tough sexy girl who pretends she can't be sad or hurt ever...but fools almost no one, least of all me! God love em! God love me please! Send me the good word her way God, will you let her know I'm out their at home or in LA for the day and want to meet up with her? Tell her to call me and hit on me for fun! Tell her to go after me and seduce and entice me!
2015 essay will start with playfulness and a joke, my miscevious side, a rascal. Or trickster if you will for my mythology legend folklore and myths people out there in internet land. They called back in the days of home vhs video recorders hello everybody in TV land for someone not sure what to do or say on camera being filmed. If someone is reading your essay personal journal blog post page thing on your website...why not start out saying "hello everyone out in internetland." To 1989 to 1992? Maybe.
2015 is the year I will have to downsize my huge book collection. I own more than a few books. I own around say realistically maybe 10,000 books now. Somewhere around that amount. And books take up space no matter how awesome they are to me. This is both a wake up call to me, and my dad keeping me in line and within my means not so much of budget reasons if I buy cheap books at a quarter to 2 dollars each one primarily only now. It is a space occupancy problem before me. I just now own to much stuff. To much of my artwork. To much old notes and paperwork. Way to many books, even if they are all very cool. The problem is I'm not very good at organization skills. I kind find cool things to buy or pick up for cheap. I am terrible about finding a good place to keep or store my things if I hang on to them. I can give away my things, trade them, sell them, ect. I am not your typical hoarder. If someone wants something I have, own or found along the way, sure it's yours if I am not emotionally or intellectually attached to it. I trade things with other book and comic or cult movie collectors all the time. The problem is I accumulate more and more along the way. Picking up a little bit here and a little bit there. The comic books boom is still happening and going strong. I know one day the bubble of collecting comics and them being valueable will burst but I estimate that won't happen until the next 5 to 7 years, being that all the superhero movies are big blockbusters and a major part of American culture now and worldwide pop culture for peoples interests and imaginations around the entire world. This make KEY issue comics important to both collectors and comic book movie fans and keeps the prices and demand up for certain issues of certain comics. Some comic books you can't give away, but that won't be an issue until the comic book collecting craze fizzles out down the road I'm estimation around 2019 to 2021 sometime in that time frame as my possible guess. That gives me a few more years to trade collect or sell more comics people care about and are excited to own.
I still have my cat. I still have my two dogs that belong not to me but to the entire family. My cat is mine and lives where I live should I possibly one day move out again. I'm realistically guessing that moving out of my parents house to live on my own two feet independently again won't happen anytime soon, till around 2017 or later. I'm not trying to scare off any hot girls reading this pondering about maybe dating me one day. I'm just being honest and truthful and shooting straight from the hip or my pelvis.
I live with my family now and it's been about 2 years since I moved back here to San Diego to the house I grew up in and with the same people, just not my sister who now is married and living on her own since 2009 and now lives with her husband. She could always get lots of guys. I do not have the same luck of a pool of women always wanting to be my girlfriend at any moment anywhere or everywhere I go. I do not have women walk right up to me and ask me out on a date. I go to the mall, the beach, library, conventions, store, schools/college classes and nothing. Nada. Nobody lined up around the block to seduce or entertain me. Besides I'm old now...I'm 35! Can you believe it! I know 1996 or 1997 was a long time ago but it still feels recent to me my young adulthood. Many hot young women I find very beautiful and sexy were born in 1996 or 1997! My youth is not around anymore. But my adulthood and all that supposed privalages of responsibilities that go with financial perks from going to college and following the straight and narrow path is all lies and hog wash crap. No one these days has a guaranteed job or roof over their head. It's not easy to find love or a partner. Let alone people finding a husband or wife they can last with without infidelity or tons of fighting and growing apart or bored of each other. Everyone wants to be the big time star of their own movie called the life of " persons name here" but no one in todays society wants to deal with the less glamorous or more boring regular, mundane or shaky parts of a friendship or romantic relationship anymore. If it is not glamorous or bad ass why do it? Just walk away or get away as fast as possible to find someone or something more amusing and entertaining till you repeat step 1 to 2 and repeat the same process again. But girls forget that not everyone of them is some hot bikini supermodel drastically dysfunctional free spirit living on the edge of the cliff looking off to the very ends of the earth about to crash and fall right over. Right after they go hit another bar or club first.
I don't ride horses anymore, I did not lose interest, I just do not have the extra money each week or month now to help pay for the lessons. I can afford the gym and my cat vet care as my monthly expenses. the rest goes to gas cost, car costs, cat pet food or supplies costs, food, dining, groceries, clothes. Ect. I wish paying for girls and dates was an issue to scramble to come up the money for that...
I still do stand up comedy. Just not as often. At least not as often up on stage in a dark bar with drunk people talking over you, louder than you up on stage with the mic, or not paying any attention at all. The comics at a comedy club in LA tend to be funnier than the lame comedy click crowd to be stuck with here in San Diego. The San Diego comedy circle of participants is not that glamorous. Most of the guys who are in the local scene here now are big time losers and plain rude to anyone not in their little click. Onward and upward. I choose to not be around them in that group. I went back to doing my stand up comedy at parties in person or in small groups in my real day to day life then rather up on stage in dark bar.
I don't think I am having a mid life crisis. I don't have a new young trophy wife or fancy sportscar. I also don't have the money for the car or the money to keep a greedy gold diggers attention for very long.
In 2014 I only had a handful of friends. I make a new friendship, then often what happens is within a year they got bored with me and I'm down a friend or at zero local friends in my area till another new friend will or won't show up out of the woodwork.
I find I like getting base hits to first base or second base then trying to only go for the grand slams and home runs hitting it out of the ball park. I would rather get an actual date to go on then a free offer from some girl for just sex but no real interest in me as a person I shared with her. Not really me. I like approval and attention to much. The rest seems trivial or pretty pointless, especially if I'm flying solo on it and not showing off for a group or guys or my peers in a group I would be with. Proving myself to impress others just isn't a part of my life now. It's hard to make or keep many friends here in north county San Diego. All the people my age are all over town and not in one area or in one area at any one time or specific place. LA has much more film and art savvy intellectuals with a passion for interacting with other like minded people and life and the greater interesting pop culture all around them in general. When I now go back to visit LA for a short 8 to 12 hour one day only trip...The whole place and city seems small. LA still has magic and excitement in the air all around you. Even in the beach cities bordering the lower south bay like out in Manhattan Beach...They have a comic books shop I like to go buy old boxes of back issues in bulk from in Manhattan Beach.
I would not say I'm much of a hustler really right now. Other than standing up for myself all the time or fighting constantly and always at odds with my parents all the time. I don't think I'm all that scrappy. I'm more passive and getting used to the people at the gym not wanting to be friends and the girls at the gym or beach not wanting to get to know me. Everybody does their own thing here. People are always on their cell phones or ipads just doing random shit or boring app video games online or listening to their music. Life here in San Diego seems to be for many people a solidarity activity without tons of interaction with others. Maybe when they get high or go out to a party or club and dress flashy or slutty or macho. But other than that here in San Diego you might be surrounded by others but still all alone at the same time. Not my choice. But if that's what the climate and culture is here now. Why fight it and get rejected over and over again by hot cute girls? Being older means understanding the outcome. And accepting it. Some girl I adore and I'm infatuated with and totally crazy in love with at the gym blocked and deleted me online on facebook this summer with my facebook friend request...But when I am at the gym doing my stretches and exercise machine alone in solidarity and not looking or interacting with her, she is often staring at me when I look up after a leg stretch on the floor mat 40 feet away from her. That is life, just get used to it. Hot young girls play games and act like a tease. She can still get me kicked out the gym and lose my membership if I ever tried to ask her out. But if I told the membership sales staff she has been staring at me and making me uncomfortable by sending me these aggressive mixed messages they would laugh it off as nothing and not take it seriously. So as an adult age 35 I just keep a lot of my shit inside me and to myself and don't expect to much from other people. The lazy dumb meat head employees are not just the only ones to blame...I think the sexy young lady I have a huge crush on has some responsibility
to not play games or become aware to be respectful to me and my boundaries or privacy if I'm expected to not flirt with her now that she blasted me away from her online. People are stupid, most of them. People play games. Many people do not truly know they are being used or using others or not smart thinkers. So just accept the world around me for what it is and who my peers are around me in my city or in my personal daily life I lead and live.
Oh and I don't have the approval or permission from my mom and dad to get another cat, dog, or a miniature horse. I also do not have the extra monthly income and costs to pay for it.
I still want to one day get married to someone I love and think is so sexy I want to shout about it from the rooftops and the mountain tops. I still want to one day adopt black or polynesian or mixed race children with attractive good looks and athletic abilities. Being strong to peers of the same gender and good looking to the opposite sex is much more important than brains or education can ever buy you. Talent or deep thinking only gets you so far. Being sexy or popular or a type A cocky macho person will have people work to impress you favorably. Niceness or an insightful intellect or talent at an art does not do much for me these days. Being realistic and not doing the same thing and expecting a different result is how I see myself living out the rest of 2015. I know I'm going to hit on girls and give her my name and number and websites to check out in hopes that she likes me and wants me to ask her out should she go about to contact me herself. But these days I know better than having the high expectations anymore. Just let the games go about there usual form and routines again and again. Some things I just can't change no matter how hard I try and put in the effort to improve my life. Other people are other people and women are in their own world with make believe silly rules and little girl games they play. I don't take most attractive women all that seriously as people. I get attracted to her or hurt at the rejection...But I don't really truly consider her my equal or a person of substance and high caliber ethics or principles and as such find it easier to flirt with a sexy or very pretty attractive girl than try to impress a more mature more demanding less excitable or impressed easily emotionally cut off adult woman. I like playing with my cat, I like taking my dog to dog beach or on a walk. I like riding the horse I used to ride even if he or she would often be testy with me as a rider. I like women who act like my pet and friend I can bond to on a more natural and instinctual way that I get and where she gets me even if I don't have the most cool or awesome thing to say to her every conversation we have or the money and income to impress an person looking for superficial things from a male suitor. I like playing, being silly, having fun, never losing my sense of wonder about me. (unless it is a street wise situation I have to be firm and tough and ready to have the fight or battle for) I like being the goofy nerdy nice guy. I don't see myself being the guy who can scare people...But some people sometimes might be afraid of me. I don't care. A lot of things today at age 35 in 2015 I just don't care about or expect to change or get better. My life is what is it, young girls who treat me like crap or a thing to mislead is often a pretty damn consistent thing. I don't expect to truly change society or peoples minds. I just like attention. I like to amuse people. I like to entertain others. I like to make people laugh. I like to be the center of attention and popular and well liked as the jester comic relief leader of that group. I like fitting in and being appreciated and seen and not overlooked, ignored, neglected, bullied or mistreated. Trying to be the man of the her dreams for that hot girl I'm in love with is not something I have been able to do. So it is what it is. Why keep trying to change it and fail the same way with a negative response but with someone new everytime? IF some hot babe doesn't think I'm smart, or funny, or impressive, or interesting person to be around...then thats her loss. She needs to decide for herself if she likes me back or not. In the mean time I truly do not care. I cared to much and to often as a very highly sensitive person my whole entire life and I'm well honestly pretty burned on everyone and all their lies and bullshit ready and waiting to sabotage upon me. I expect it now, embrace it more now as best I can and don't truly expect to much from other people or the world as much right now. I still love being around other people and interacting with others or flirting with sexy girls and all that as much as possible...That has not changed. But my ideals and high marks are not as unreachable and more down to earth and no longer high up in the heavens and clouds. Girls are going to be liars and manipulators and little to no ethics or moral consistency. That is a given I'm more used to that now. You can only change or grow yourself. You can't force anyone else to change themselves. It is best to lead by example and live your life the best you can in your present certain circumstances. "Who am I? and who will go with me?" Life is a game make it safe and fun. Find playful immature not uptight people who also love to be enjoyable or goofy and silly the same way as me. "Find women who are overcompensating, to get attention trying to pretend to be someone they are not or have that sadness in her eyes no matter how much make up she puts on her face" that is hot. The relatable more honest and understandable to get hot babe. Tough sexy girl who pretends she can't be sad or hurt ever...but fools almost no one, least of all me! God love em! God love me please! Send me the good word her way God, will you let her know I'm out their at home or in LA for the day and want to meet up with her? Tell her to call me and hit on me for fun! Tell her to go after me and seduce and entice me!
